The Ego Dance: Letting Go and Becoming Comfortable in Your Skin

Approaching my 65th birthday has led me down the path of reflection. As I sift through quotes that have held meaning for me over the years, I'm struck by how each fresh examination peels back another layer, revealing deeper insights.

One such quote by Carl Jung has been particularly resonant: 

“The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.”

— Carl Jung

 It's a truth bomb, no doubt, but one that's incredibly challenging to live out, if I'm honest.

Since my college years as a young social work major, I've been a student of Carl Jung. His keen eye for truth, especially regarding understanding people’s psyches, has left a lasting impact on me.

Jung was deeply interested in where each person’s source of inspiration originated - from within or from external sources. He proposed that those who seek inspiration within themselves awaken to their truest potential, while those who seek it externally often look to the outside world for validation.

Forming a healthy ego is a vital part of the first half of life's journey. It involves differentiating ourselves from others, exploring our unique talents, values, beliefs, and strengths and weaknesses. Setting healthy boundaries and balancing our needs with those of our loved ones becomes crucial during this phase of life.

The goal is to construct an ego that is strong yet flexible — one that allows us to engage confidently with the world while remaining open to growth and transformation. Hopefully, as we mature we come to realize seeking validation from external sources is a futile pursuit.  Realizing this I think we can begin the inward journey of the second half of life.  For me, it means becoming comfortable in my own skin.  

Richard Rohr's "Falling Upward" beautifully captures the essence of this second half of life journey. He writes, "The first half of life is discovering the script, and the second half is actually writing it and owning it.”

Reaching this juncture can be where the real magic happens. I dare say that one of the gifts of menopause is precisely that — a pause. It's a time when wisdom begins to surface, and we find ourselves faced with hard questions: How do I want to live out the second half of my life? Am I ready to let go of what no longer serves me?

It’s what I refer to as the ego dance. 

It's worth the hard work of leaning in and becoming comfortable in our own skin. Frankly, we owe it to the women who will stand on our shoulders to be healthy and fully alive. Would you like to join me?

The shoe that fits one person pinches another

As women, society bombards us with the notion that there's a one-size-fits-all formula for living our best lives. Whether it's the latest self-help craze, a social media influencers morning routine, or well-meaning advice from loved ones, the underlying message remains clear: if it worked for them, it should work for us too.

But life isn't a pair of shoes, snugly fitting every foot alike. As the wise adage goes, "The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases." This resonates deeply with me as I navigate the intricate tapestry of modern existence.

What brings fulfillment, joy, and balance to one soul may be a source of stress, struggle, or dissatisfaction for another.

We are beautifully diverse, each with our own histories, quirks, needs, and aspirations. Your best friend's recipe for success might leave you feeling adrift, and the parenting style lauded by your neighbor might leave you feeling inadequate.

Instead of contorting ourselves into molds not meant for us, we must tune in to our own inner compass. What ignites our passion? What aligns with our deepest values and aspirations? These are the questions we must bravely ask and resolutely answer, even if they defy convention.

For those who find solace in faith, understanding how uniquely we're wired and what divine purpose we serve can be a guiding light. Embracing our individuality isn't just liberating; it's revolutionary. True courage lies in carving our own path, challenging the status quo, and embracing the beauty of authenticity.

In the words of Confucius, "All of the feet in the world and all of the shoes make life beautiful." Let's celebrate our uniqueness, champion the diversity of human experience, and revel in the exquisite dance of becoming comfortable in our own skin.

You got this!  

in Beauty: The Invisible Embrace

In my morning reading I came across this by the ever wise John O’Donohue (in Beauty: The Invisible Embrace). He writes,

“What you encounter, recognize or discover depends to a large degree on the quality of your approach… When we approach with reverence, great things decide to approach us.”

Let’s ask ourselves today what we can approach with reverence.

Its spring here in DC. I plan on taking a walk and enjoy the folding of spring around me. I wonder what God-winks are I store as I do.

  What can you approach with reverence? 

Don’t let fear limit you & your vision

I like reading my Bible in the mornings.  It helps ground my day in something other than “Doing” right out of the gate.  I find it easier to follow a reading plan as it’s one last thing to think about.  Today I read from Psalm 106 and this jumped out at me.:

    He gave them exactly what they asked for — but along with it they got an empty heart.  

Isn’t that like life at times.? We say we want more and we’re ready for change, yet the slightest bump in the road gets us off course.  Its human nature to want the easier path. One without struggle or bumps. We want the easy button.   However, I’ve learned that if things come easily I tend not to appreciate them as much. If I get “what I ask for” it often produces an empty heart.  

Today I am reminded to lean into the struggle.  To not grumble when facing yet another learning curve.  To not give up when faced with hardship. To celebrate when my muscles are tasked beyond my capacity. To choose more and not complain while in training to get to my promised land.

I don’t think people intentionally choose mediocrity but many settle for it.  Never settle.  

Don’t let fear limit you and your vision.  That is a recipe that leads to an empty heart.  

Time to upgrade

Years ago a mentor challenged me to redefine and upgrade my key relationships every 2-5 years, starting with God.

Wise advice!

Without stopping to reevaluate from time-to-tiime it’s easy to carry around baggage out of loyalty or habit.

These shoes represent this for me.

It’s been five years since Doug and I settled into our tiny apartment in DC. We made a decision to not renew our lease awhile back. This Saturday was our last night there. It’s been a bitter/sweet move. We’ve had so many great conversations with our kids and friends within those walls. And I will miss our huge veranda overlooking our busy neighborhood. It was a magical spot to have my quiet times in the morning. But it is time for an upgrade and I’m ready for more space.

So about these shoes...

The best part of moving has been stopping to ask “Do I need this in the upcoming season? Should I pitch it or give it away?“ I decided it was time to give them away. They no longer serve or fit the person I am in this new season.

I remember when I bought them. The day before, I had my toes in the sand eating fish tacos on Isla Mujeres, Mexico. The next night I was at the Obama’s Christmas party at the White House. A friend called to say she had a +1 ticket and if I could make it she’d love me to join her. We weren’t living in the city at the time so I needed to think about what to wear. I thought If Sharon Stone can wear a Gap t-shirt to the Oscars and look elegant I figured I could follow her lead. I usually pack a scarf or shawl with me to upgrade an outfit if the need arised. I had what I needed: Black shirt — check! Black dress jeans —- check! Great scarf and statement necklace — check! Shoes. not so much! My heart skipped a beat when I found these leopard print shoes. Now the outfit was complete.

I’ve worn these shoes a few other times. Mainly to cocktail parties. They always make me smile. But I haven’t worn them often and it’s simply time to let them go. I close my eyes and imagine what the next owner will feel like when they score them at Goodwill. I know they’ll be smiling too!

Surprised by good design

I took this photo in the lobby of a LaQuinta Inn in a smallish-town in TX yesterday. The design was so beautiful.  It felt so out of context in my mind.  I had to stop and capture it.

Think about it. What a difference a few years can make!  

Thank you Trading Spaces, HGTV, and countless others following in their footsteps, who have elevated design and our expectations.  Beauty in our spaces is the ‘new normal’  

What does it say about me that I was so surprised that a motel chains lobby valued beauty over simple function?  Such a small detail, but what a difference it made. 

Any Anne Lamont fans out there?

Who else is an Anne Lamont fan?

If you are perhaps scrolling through this blog avoiding something you need to do... or stuck knowing what the next steps are... or, if you're like me and sometimes you care too much about the scope of a big project and get paralysed because you care too much and don't want to screw it up...

If that's you, then perhaps you need to read this too:

Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report written on birds that he’d had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”
-Anne Lamont, Bird By Bird

Photo by Manideep Karne

On doing the work in spite of feelings

I had a conversations yesterday with someone I don’t know well. I heard a litany of reasons why her business wasn’t where she wanted it to be. I just listened.

At the end she said “I guess it boils down to this: I know what to do, but I don’t always want to do it.” All I could say was “Then that’s the root of your problem. What would you like to do about it?” Of course the conversation went from there but I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

The fact is this. There is no easy button or shortcut. Whether you like it or not, the only way forward is to do the work! There won’t be any parents nagging you to get out of bed or show up. That’s your job – to push yourself to do what you don’t feel like doing.

The reality is you will be tired today, and you will be tired a year from now as well.

You may not “feel like it” today, and you won’t necessarily “feel like it” a year from now either.

If you wait to feel like it, you’re probably gonna be waiting a long time.

No matter how people motivate, believe, or support you, you still need to get up and do something. As soon as you face this fact your life will turn around. Benjamin Hardy said it well in his book, Willpower Doesn’t Work: Discover the Hidden Keys to Success

“The belief that you cannot change leads to a victim mentality. If you are determined by nature to be what you are, then there is nothing you can do about your lot in life. Conversely, the belief that you can change leads you to take responsibility for your life. You may have been born with certain constraints, but you can change those constraints, allowing yourself to improve and grow.” 

It’s true. When you are ready to take responsibility for your life is when things begin to change. Welcome to being an adult.

Feelings Are Temporary

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I had a conversations yesterday with someone I don’t know well. I heard a litany of reasons why her business wasn’t where she wanted it to be. I just listened.

At the end she said “I guess it boils down to this: I know what to do, but I don’t always want to do it.” All I could say was “Then that’s the root of your problem. What would you like to do about it?” Of course, the conversation went from there, but I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

The fact is this: the only way forward is to do the work! There is no easy button or shortcut.

The reality is that you will be tired today, and you will be tired a year from now as well.

You may not “feel like it” today, and you won’t necessarily “feel like it” a year from now either.

In the end, you’ll need to make your peace with and remind yourself every single day that just because you don’t ‘feel’ like it, doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Mel Robbins (my new girl-crush) said it this way:

“The way that our minds are wired and the fact about human beings is that we are not designed to do things that are uncomfortable or scary or difficult. Our brains are designed to protect us from those things, because our brains are trying to keep us alive. Your brain is wired to stop you at all cost from doing anything that might hurt you.

In order to change, in order to build a business, in order to be the best parent, in order to be the best spouse–to do all those things that you know you want to do with your life–you are going to have to do things that are difficult, uncertain, or scary”

— Mel Robbins

Which sets up this problem for all of us: YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FEEL LIKE IT.

I have found that making my peace with this reality is the first step. The second, is to have some structure in place, like time blocking, and taking account the need to schedule downtime, or play time as well. If this is a struggle for you, I plan on recording some videos in the future to share tips I’ve learned along the way. But for now, focus on and acknowledge that feelings are just that… feelings. They don’t have to dictate your life.

Go do the work. I’ll be cheering you on.

Sometimes we need to be reminded

photo by Charlene Fike

“ It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were… But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.”

— Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings

I needed to read this today:

I've been holding on to a dream. I've kept going. I've been faithfully planning and building business muscles for nearly two decades. I've become really good at managing myself in respect to time so that I could build something that is important to me. And the time is coming when I get to share it with others. Pinch me!

We are co-branding a product launch for Kilometer 66 with artisans in Thailand. As the photos come in and I see it coming together I stand in awe. It is worth it to push through the darkness.

Thank you Samwise for reminding me that a new day does come.

I'm not gonna lie. It's not been easy. But vision propels.

On Letting Things Fall Sometimes

“A Poem for Someone Who is Juggling Her Life

This is a poem for someone
who is juggling her life.
Be still sometimes.
Be still sometimes.

It needs repeating
over and over
to catch her attention
over and over,
as someone who is juggling her life
finds it difficult to hear.

Be still sometimes.
Be still sometimes.
Let it all fall sometimes. ”

— Rose Cook From Notes From a Bright Field

I was talking to a friend the other day struggling to juggle it all. She shared about the guilt she felt for disappointing so many people — including herself. Perhaps you have felt the same way.

Afterwards I shared this poem with her. Perhaps it will encourage you too to “let it all fall sometimes.” It’s ok. The world won’t fall apart if you stop for a second and take a walk or nice bubble bath.

On Perfect Friendships

Ever read something and spit out what you are drinking with a good belly laugh? 

I just spit out my tea when I read this:

“We instantly connected and knew that if left unsupervised by responsible adults we could get into all kinds of trouble if we became friends.

So we became friends.”

This made me laugh because it captured in words something so magical when it happens.  Life is richer... struggles more bearable... because they grant you total freedom to be yourself.  

I hope you have such friends! 

What are you tolerating Part Two

Now that you've had time to take stock of what you are tolerating I find it helpful to to think through what I want to do about it.  Really there are only four things you can do.

1. Do/Fix It -- Don't keep waiting for a 'perfect' time just take care of ‘it’ now.  
2. Delegate It -- Perhaps ‘it’ is not the best use of your time.  Can someone else take this off your plate?  For me this is the hardest.  Somehow I stubbornly think I can do it all when some of the things I'm tolerating can be removed if I'd simply delegate and give myself grace in the process.
3. Dump It -- Sometimes it's best to accept ‘it’, let it go, and move on.  
4. Dedicate Time to Eliminating It -- If 'it' can be eliminated do you want create a new ritual or habit to change it?  That decision makes all the difference.  

Look at the list of what you are tolerating and highlight the things that you can do/fix or delegate.  Then make a list of what you are choosing to let go of and dump.  Celebrate it.  Breathe deeply and move on.  Then comes the hard part.  Make a list of the top three things you’d like to commit to tackling during the next 100 days.  You can always tackle more later, but lets get some wins under your belt.  

This can change your life if you let it,  Onward!

What are you tolerating?

What exists in your life right now that isn’t quite the way you’d like it to be?   You know... those little things you put up with that you’ve been meaning to fix, but haven’t? Those things that you keep swearing you will to get to. . .   

Maybe it’s the clutter piled up in your office, bedroom or your car.  Maybe it's something in your home you've been meaning to fix.  Or maybe it is something bigger – like a home that doesn’t meet your needs for the season you are entering or a car payment that's too high for your budget.   

The things in our lives that are out of alignment are more than just annoyances.  They actually drain energy and distract us from crafting our best life.  

Why don't you grab a cup of tea and start to write down things you are tolerating.  Take a sheet of paper or open a word doc and begin to make a brain dump.  I've listed various categories to think about to help you get started.   Here we go!

• HealthFinances
• Personal Relationships/Family
• Personal Environment (home, office, your "space" etc.)
• Work/Business
• Spirituality
• Personal Development (self-care. personal growth, habits etc.)
• Equipment/Technology

In a follow-up blog I'll discuss next steps to think about after you've made your list.  I'd love to hear how this exercise went for you!  

If you need help priming the pump here are some examples: 

1. Messy closets
2. Friendships that are not reciprocal
3. Poor communication with your spouse/partner
4. Appliances that need to be fixed
5. Walls need to be painted
6. Car needs a tune up
7.  Don’t have a church home
8. Need to improve my skill level on the computer
9. Don’t like your job
10. Not exercising
11. Inadequate salary
12. Unorganized reciepts 

Don't fall into this trap!

“Every single day on which you don’t start, you are ingraining the habit of passivity more deeply into your mind and body. — unknown”

I read the above quote a couple of times today and thought I'd share it with you. If you let passivity rule, you are doing nothing. Nothing to further your goals. Nothing to take control over your life. Nothing to turn your dreams into reality.

In short, you are letting things happen to you.  Instead of going out there and doing things.

I'm reminded of a Leonardo Da Vinci quote I like: “It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things”

When you don’t start today, you probably won’t start tomorrow, either. Your future self is probably not going to be all that different from your current self — unless you start making the necessary changes today.

“What is the single step that I can take today, which will bring me a little bit closer to my goals? Seriously, I want to know!

A quote I'm thinking about...

“Fail early and get it all over with. If you learn to deal with failure… you can have a worthwhile career. You learn to breathe again when you embrace failure as a part of life, not as the determining moment of life.

— Rev. William L. Swig”

Wisdom right?

Simple and profound

I just finished reading this:

“In life and business, the person with fewest blind spots wins.
— Thomas Oppong”

Simple and profound. Something I want to ponder... what blind spots do I currently have that are getting in the way of my goals?

That's what I'm thinking about tonight.

What catches your eye?

Sometimes it pays to stop, pay attention, see beauty in the small things. What can you find that’s beautiful to celebrate today? Here’s what caught my eye at the resort I’m staying at in Mexico: